No More

Fine.
If you are content to let her walk all over you
And the rules you set in this house,
Don't expect me to feel sympathy for you.
If you don't even have the guts to say anything,
Then I won't speak up for you anymore.
She's your daughter-in-law.
Speak up for yourself.
If you are going to keep on like this,
Then stop complaining about it.
You're the one who lets her keep on.
And thanks for just throwing me over the edge.
Thanks for not backing me up.
Thanks for looking at me like I'm an alien.
Thanks for ignoring me.
Thanks for making me the outcast.
I love this.
This is what I live for:
Being the outsider.
But hey, I tried speaking up for you.
I told you I would.
You promised you'd back me up.
You didn't.
You looked at me as if I was insane.
I should've known.
And I can't say anything about it to you,
Because then you'll be all pissed off at me.
I even asked her to stop NICELY.
Do you know how hard that was?
I wasn't attacking her.
I was so nice about it.
And now everyone's ignoring me.
I love it.
Now I remember why I hate living.
I'm sick of dealing with people.
I'm sick of myself.
I'm sick of being the
DAMNED FREAK!!!!!!
No, no, I'm not supposed to judge others.
I forget.
I'm the one at fault.
Everything is my fault.
My bad.
You're off the hook.
Whatever.
Besides... I'm the only one that gets insulted constantly every Sunday...
So don't complain to me...

Angels

Stop.
I feel your eyes
Unseen
Watching
Weighing
Measuring
I hear the scratching of your pen
As you record everything
Inside of me
Invading everything
My darkest secrets
The horrors of my soul
Open for the heavens to see
The shame of what I know
To be in that book...
There are no words to
Express my horror, my
Anger
It shames me to the core
Leave me alone
I hate knowing there is
One who supercedes
All
It isn't fair,
It isn't right
I am filled with
Paralyzing horror
Knowing my soul is
Invaded
Every second
Every minute
Every hour
Every day.
I hear you laugh
As you watch me when
I am by myself
Knowing all of me is
Written
I wish the flames to
Consume me
To take the book of my soul
And burn us both
Out of existence.

Shivers

I feel like I am being watched constantly,
and I don't like it.

Fucking Hypocrite

Oh, I get it.

You can swear and call me a

jackass all you want

when you get angry.

If I get angry and call somone

an ass, you tell me to

watch my language.

Well, you fucking worthless

hypocrite,

you can fuck yourself and die

for all I care and I would not

shed one tear.

I would not attend your

funeral.

You have taught me to be an ass.

Your ways are engraved into my bones

because I didn't have any real friends to

teach me differently.

I am cursed by you.

I hate you.

God hates me too for sending me to an

asshole like you.

And then he tells me he sent me here

"to [my] home by the hand of God where

parents love [me] and watch over [my] soul."

You have not cared one bit about me.

Where were you when I grew up?

All you've cared about is golf and cars and

always having to get the new and improved things

in life.

When have you ever cared one shitload for me

or any of my siblings?

My hate for you consumes my soul.

Any time I see myself acting like you,

or doing something you would do,

my loathing for myself and you deepens even further.

I am messed up because of you.

I hate you.

I despise you.

I would rather have never been born,

never have existed,

than have you as a father.

You are a worthless father.

You have even corrupted mother.

She acts just like you.

And everything that happens is my fault.

I can't get angry, but you can.

You are an ass.

I DESPISE YOU!!!!!

You never earned the title father,

because you never were.

And then I'm told I should be grateful to you

for living.

I'D RATHER BE DEAD!!!!

I'm corrupted by you.

I'm sick of trying to change because I always

fail.

I'm sick of feeling like a failure, but I do every day.

Every day I live is a failure.

I can't do anything right.

I never did.

Of course, I can't blame it on you, because we have our

agency,

we make our own

choices,

and sometimes that is true,

but with me and you,

it's bullshit.

You never cared.

You never have.

And I hate you.

Living in this house is like not living at all.

I hate this family.

It is a curse.

I hate you for everything.

I don't know what mom saw in you then

or what she sees in you now,

because I see nothing.

You are worthless.

When will I feel the

icy embrace of

death...

because I will be

embracing it right back.

Me Again

What's changed?

Nothing.

So why am I blogging?

Couldn't tell you.

.........

Look, I get it!

I know I act like a retard.

I know my mentality is quite unstable.

I don't know how,

when,

where,

or why it happened,

but somewhere,

sometime in my life,

something went extremely wrong,

and I can't figure out what.

So please, you don't offend me by saying

you don't want to be friends.

You offend me with the act.

Stop pretending.

I promise I am not as shallow and stupid as

I seem to be.

Stop indulging me.

It's not funny.

It never was.

Stop telling me, "Oh, hey, lets do something."

and then forget.

Most of this is my fault though.

I should be seeing right through your crap,

but I keep hoping that someone will care.

I also hope that I'll change too... but it's obvious

to see how successful I've been at that.

I know I'm a freak, but what you don't know

is how fucking hard I work to change that.

There is no excuse for my failure.

I'll never be normal.

I will be a freak for the rest of my life,

worse than a loser.

I wish I could crawl into a hole and never,

ever, come out.

My very existence is an embarrassment.

So fuck off.

Oh... Hey...

Do I hate being me? Why yes, yes I do. So why am I still here? Excellent freaking question. Ever made a promise you don't intend to keep? Of course. Why would I promise anyone that I wouldn't try and kill myself ever again? What possessed me to make such a stupid promise? And does anyone I made the promise to remember it? Doubt it. Since junior high, I've constantly been the third wheel, easily forgotten except when no one else is around but me. I feel like I'm still stuck in 2002, still haven't changed, haven't moved forward or back, yet everything and everyone is changing. It's driving me crazy... Heck, I think I'm going crazy. I'm mentally unstable. I'm a coward. I can't deal with people... I can't deal with me, myself, and I. Fuck promises. Fuck the world. God and "His" angels can go burn in Hell. I've decided that Heaven and Hell are practically the same place. They're both run by sexist men that think they know what's best for everyone else and will screw you on sight. I hate men. They are so fucking stupid that if they didn't have a penis they wouldn't know their head from their bloody ass. Hell, some of them still don't. If God is so damn perfect, then why is this world so fucked up? Oh wait... let's blame it on some other man named Lucifer! That makes everything so much better. Ahhh, I'm rambling. No one would remember me if I died. So why can't I do it? Why is it so hard to take a knife to my throat? Why is it so hard to jump off a cliff? Why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut when I overdosed!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? TO HELL WITH IT!!!!!

Think

What causes an
Overreaction...
What is it inside of us
That convinces us to not
Think things through.
I don't understand.
And then the pain comes,
Of the one you misjudged
And who suffered the
Consequences
Of your overreaction...
Why does the world have to be
A scary place?
What is so seductive about being
Untrustworthy
So that one can take the
Advantage?
I despise living in this world.
I wish I had been born in
A happier time.
What is so exhilirating about
Death
Destruction
Affairs
Sex
Rape
Murder
Deception...
What has happened to
The people of this world...
Where did we go
Wrong?
And how?

Life Happens

Life happens,
so what?
Life's too short to be angry.
Learn
Do what must be done.
It may not be great,
But an unpopular decision
Is better
In the long run.
Why are so many depressed?
There are too many ways
To make one depressed
In this
Wicked world.
It is now harder than ever to
Combat it.
I know it is easier said
Than done,
But we know what is
Right
And what we need to do to
Change.
The world just makes
It too difficult.
Our idle wicked ways
Are quickly
Destroying
Our world and causing severe
Confusion.
Who cares what is popular?
If the idols of our world
Made it popular to
Jump off cliffs...
Would you do it?

Long Time

Wow, it's been quite a while since I've updated my blog... A lot has happened this past year and a half, and I want to forget it all, but the memories keep coming back. I'm a fool... a blasted, horrid fool. And I keep wanting to think that things are getting better, that they'll change. Some good stuff has happened this summer, but before that... I want to forget. I want to change. But it feels like... I don't know. Maybe I'm not determined enough. Maybe I'm so set in my ways that I can't change. Oh please let it not be true. I don't want to go through any more drama like the kind I've had these past couple of years. Every time I think about what I've done I feel dreadful, disgusting... worthless. In all honesty, I should be dead, or at least have seriously messed myself up. What's wrong with me?

Question

I don't understand why people don't believe me sometimes. I've been trying to explain things, but I'm just not good at explaining, so people don't believe me then and it's frustrating. Well, recently, I've been just getting so mad because I've been trying to explain something to a family member and this family member just doesn't get it. It's like I'm talking to a brick wall. Last night I told this family member something and they didn't believe me! They just walked into their room and said, "Whatever." I'm getting so ticked! I wanted to punch them in the face!!! I'm really telling the truth, but they don't believe me and it's so freaking gay! They ask me every day, "Can you walk yet?" I really want to say, "Yes, I immediately healed overnight... idiot! No, I can't, I'm sorry!" And then this person tells me, "It's been over a week! I just don't understand why you can't walk yet." I just want to say, "Well then, why don't we switch bodies (or just feet) for a day and let's see how good you walk, let's see how well you can keep your balance, let's see you not cry out in pain with every step, much less cry from the pressure of standing! Let's see you not yelp when you accidentally bump your feet into something or when someone accidentally steps on your feet or whatever! Come on, try it fool!" Unfortunately, I don't have the guts to say that to this family member, and even if I did, they wouldn't believe me anyways, so I'll just have to live with their crap... AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! BEYOND frustrating!

Whatever

So I decided I hate blogging. I never know what to write about because there is nothing to write about. It's not fun at all and no one really reads your posts anyways unless they have really boring lives and nothing to fill their time with besides reading blogs and doing nothing. It's not even important, so why, do you ask, am I blogging? Answer: because I have to for school. Do I enjoy it? NO! Does my blog bore you? Most likely. Hey, it bores me. I guess I'm just a really boring person. What a revelation...

Pain In The Butt!!!

Holy cow! So I have been working on English 9 packets for two days straight now. I am almost completely done with one and not even halfway done with the second! My brain is fried! And the worst part is, they're online packets. I can't even begin to count how many times my work has been deleted because I accidentally clicked on something or it just stopped working so I had to press Ctrl-Alt-Delete and start it ALL over again! Talk about frustrating. And what makes it even worse is that I was 1% away from getting a passing grade in my English 9 class... It was fourth term, and I can still remember talking to her and oh my, I was SOOO mad... I couldn't believe it. And she even told me that she's usually lenient and I would've got a passing grade if my final project hadn't sucked so much. She didn't like my final project... and I worked long and hard on that project... just goes to show english is definitely not my forte. Teachers can be so dang harsh sometimes!

Another One

New post. I have a lot of stuff I need to get off my mind.

Hard work and dedication. Why do some people start something that they know will require work, and yet they don't care, don't try, or expect it to be easy? Take me for example. When there's something I don't want to do and there's no motivating influence for me to do it... I do it grudgingly. But, when something motivates me to do it, the chore then seems fun and not so tedious. Also, when I find something I'm good at, and there are certain requirements to fulfill so I can keep doing that something, I bust my butt off and do everything I can to keep doing what I do. But there's a catch... I also have to rely on my team. There are those fun people that we all know and love that don't care about the team and basically are telling you and the other team members, "You're working your butt off for nothing because I don't care and I don't want to do this anymore. I want this to be overwith asap." To me, that's extremely selfish. And don't judge me, I know I'm not perfect. I'm writing these posts for my own benefit as well. But when I work with people, and I work my butt off for the team as well as for myself, and the other team members work so hard too, you feel really stupid for working so hard for the ones that don't care... because all they are doing is dragging the team down with them, but they're selfish and are only thinking about themselves and what they want... and again, you find yourself on the deciding line of if your team will be able to continue and work together and settle our differences... or to have it ripped out from under us. We'll see what the future holds... As a great teacher of mine always says, "Be your better"... yes, it will take work, and yes, it will be hard at times... but isn't that what life is all about?

No Comprendo...

So I can't sleep and I'm not really tired, so I'm posting again. This blog will get better, I promise. Just try to be patient. :)

So... an issue I have with people... and don't judge me, because I know I do it too, but I'm trying so hard to get stop it... backbiting and gossip. Why can't people just get over their differences and talk things out? Is it really that hard to talk to a person, and also listen, and keep a civil mind instead of talking crap about them behind their backs or blowing up in others faces? That's one of the main problems in this world and it's a main reason that so many are hurt, killed, or even commit suicide, and just have problems with themselves. It's not right! And then there are the hypocrites that look down on this kind of stuff, and then do it themselves! Why is it so hard to just attempt to get along? If humans had the common sense to even try and stay civil and talk their problems through, the world could be such a better place! Just my venting for the night. And if anyone could leave their comments so I could understand why people do this, please do, because I don't even understand why I do it when I do. It's a problem we all have... and it needs to be solved.

I'm So Cool

So I finally have a blog... amazing. Who would've thunk? So I've been watching the Jazz game... it's pretty intense. The referees are so annoying though. It's been quite intense and angering! Take Harpring for example. He was knocked to the floor twice in a minute by the same guy... hurt his head the second time and went in to punch Smith from Atlanta... almost broke into a fight. And the funny thing is, even though Smith knocked Harpring down twice, and it was obvious, there wasn't a foul called on the first one, but Smith got kicked out the second time. Finally, justice! It just annoys me how referees only think of money and not the game... they make more money if they go for the bigger cities. Ticks me off. Our world today is just so disgusting. It's all about money and power... so so greedy. I am going to become a referee for the NBA, kill all the idiot ones out there (since I have such amazing ninja skills... more details later), and be the best and most feared and respected referee out there! Muahaha!!! Watch out NBA refs... here comes your worst nightmare!!!!