Oh, I get it.
You can swear and call me a
jackass all you want
when you get angry.
If I get angry and call somone
an ass, you tell me to
watch my language.
Well, you fucking worthless
hypocrite,
you can fuck yourself and die
for all I care and I would not
shed one tear.
I would not attend your
funeral.
You have taught me to be an ass.
Your ways are engraved into my bones
because I didn't have any real friends to
teach me differently.
I am cursed by you.
I hate you.
God hates me too for sending me to an
asshole like you.
And then he tells me he sent me here
"to [my] home by the hand of God where
parents love [me] and watch over [my] soul."
You have not cared one bit about me.
Where were you when I grew up?
All you've cared about is golf and cars and
always having to get the new and improved things
in life.
When have you ever cared one shitload for me
or any of my siblings?
My hate for you consumes my soul.
Any time I see myself acting like you,
or doing something you would do,
my loathing for myself and you deepens even further.
I am messed up because of you.
I hate you.
I despise you.
I would rather have never been born,
never have existed,
than have you as a father.
You are a worthless father.
You have even corrupted mother.
She acts just like you.
And everything that happens is my fault.
I can't get angry, but you can.
You are an ass.
I DESPISE YOU!!!!!
You never earned the title father,
because you never were.
And then I'm told I should be grateful to you
for living.
I'D RATHER BE DEAD!!!!
I'm corrupted by you.
I'm sick of trying to change because I always
fail.
I'm sick of feeling like a failure, but I do every day.
Every day I live is a failure.
I can't do anything right.
I never did.
Of course, I can't blame it on you, because we have our
agency,
we make our own
choices,
and sometimes that is true,
but with me and you,
it's bullshit.
You never cared.
You never have.
And I hate you.
Living in this house is like not living at all.
I hate this family.
It is a curse.
I hate you for everything.
I don't know what mom saw in you then
or what she sees in you now,
because I see nothing.
You are worthless.
When will I feel the
icy embrace of
death...
because I will be
embracing it right back.
Hard stuff Megs. I can't say that I understand how you feel. I have never been in your shoes or dealt with the things you deal with. But I can imagine that it would be hard to have somebody telling you that you aren't good enough or that you are failing. I hope I can be here for you. I'm not perfect and I am not always a perfect friend, but I love you and I really try hard. I hope you know that you really can come to me anytime. Day or night. I will be there. If you want to talk, or if you just want to get away or whatever. I really am here for you. I hope you know that.
ReplyDeleteI know it was probably hard to text me the other night when you were really hurting and just wanted to be done, but I am really grateful that you did. Not only because I am glad that I can still have you here, but also because it sort of woke me up a little bit. I was in a funk of just going through the motions of my life. Thank you for waking me up Megan and for helping me to see that there are so many good things in life. Thank you for helping me see that I have such an amazing person in my life and such an amazing friend like you. You just love me and you don't expect me to be normal or cool or anything. You just let me be me and you love me all the same. I hope that I can be that kind of a friend to you.
Thank you for letting me in. I know that showing me your blog put you in a position to feel very vulnerable. You should know that I love you. a lot. No need to fear about being vulnerable. I am grateful that you have let me understand you better. You really are an amazing person. Thank you for letting me in.
Kasey
p.s. you really are pure awesomeness ;)
ReplyDelete