Shivers

I feel like I am being watched constantly,
and I don't like it.

Fucking Hypocrite

Oh, I get it.

You can swear and call me a

jackass all you want

when you get angry.

If I get angry and call somone

an ass, you tell me to

watch my language.

Well, you fucking worthless

hypocrite,

you can fuck yourself and die

for all I care and I would not

shed one tear.

I would not attend your

funeral.

You have taught me to be an ass.

Your ways are engraved into my bones

because I didn't have any real friends to

teach me differently.

I am cursed by you.

I hate you.

God hates me too for sending me to an

asshole like you.

And then he tells me he sent me here

"to [my] home by the hand of God where

parents love [me] and watch over [my] soul."

You have not cared one bit about me.

Where were you when I grew up?

All you've cared about is golf and cars and

always having to get the new and improved things

in life.

When have you ever cared one shitload for me

or any of my siblings?

My hate for you consumes my soul.

Any time I see myself acting like you,

or doing something you would do,

my loathing for myself and you deepens even further.

I am messed up because of you.

I hate you.

I despise you.

I would rather have never been born,

never have existed,

than have you as a father.

You are a worthless father.

You have even corrupted mother.

She acts just like you.

And everything that happens is my fault.

I can't get angry, but you can.

You are an ass.

I DESPISE YOU!!!!!

You never earned the title father,

because you never were.

And then I'm told I should be grateful to you

for living.

I'D RATHER BE DEAD!!!!

I'm corrupted by you.

I'm sick of trying to change because I always

fail.

I'm sick of feeling like a failure, but I do every day.

Every day I live is a failure.

I can't do anything right.

I never did.

Of course, I can't blame it on you, because we have our

agency,

we make our own

choices,

and sometimes that is true,

but with me and you,

it's bullshit.

You never cared.

You never have.

And I hate you.

Living in this house is like not living at all.

I hate this family.

It is a curse.

I hate you for everything.

I don't know what mom saw in you then

or what she sees in you now,

because I see nothing.

You are worthless.

When will I feel the

icy embrace of

death...

because I will be

embracing it right back.

Me Again

What's changed?

Nothing.

So why am I blogging?

Couldn't tell you.

.........

Look, I get it!

I know I act like a retard.

I know my mentality is quite unstable.

I don't know how,

when,

where,

or why it happened,

but somewhere,

sometime in my life,

something went extremely wrong,

and I can't figure out what.

So please, you don't offend me by saying

you don't want to be friends.

You offend me with the act.

Stop pretending.

I promise I am not as shallow and stupid as

I seem to be.

Stop indulging me.

It's not funny.

It never was.

Stop telling me, "Oh, hey, lets do something."

and then forget.

Most of this is my fault though.

I should be seeing right through your crap,

but I keep hoping that someone will care.

I also hope that I'll change too... but it's obvious

to see how successful I've been at that.

I know I'm a freak, but what you don't know

is how fucking hard I work to change that.

There is no excuse for my failure.

I'll never be normal.

I will be a freak for the rest of my life,

worse than a loser.

I wish I could crawl into a hole and never,

ever, come out.

My very existence is an embarrassment.

So fuck off.

Oh... Hey...

Do I hate being me? Why yes, yes I do. So why am I still here? Excellent freaking question. Ever made a promise you don't intend to keep? Of course. Why would I promise anyone that I wouldn't try and kill myself ever again? What possessed me to make such a stupid promise? And does anyone I made the promise to remember it? Doubt it. Since junior high, I've constantly been the third wheel, easily forgotten except when no one else is around but me. I feel like I'm still stuck in 2002, still haven't changed, haven't moved forward or back, yet everything and everyone is changing. It's driving me crazy... Heck, I think I'm going crazy. I'm mentally unstable. I'm a coward. I can't deal with people... I can't deal with me, myself, and I. Fuck promises. Fuck the world. God and "His" angels can go burn in Hell. I've decided that Heaven and Hell are practically the same place. They're both run by sexist men that think they know what's best for everyone else and will screw you on sight. I hate men. They are so fucking stupid that if they didn't have a penis they wouldn't know their head from their bloody ass. Hell, some of them still don't. If God is so damn perfect, then why is this world so fucked up? Oh wait... let's blame it on some other man named Lucifer! That makes everything so much better. Ahhh, I'm rambling. No one would remember me if I died. So why can't I do it? Why is it so hard to take a knife to my throat? Why is it so hard to jump off a cliff? Why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut when I overdosed!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? TO HELL WITH IT!!!!!

Think

What causes an
Overreaction...
What is it inside of us
That convinces us to not
Think things through.
I don't understand.
And then the pain comes,
Of the one you misjudged
And who suffered the
Consequences
Of your overreaction...
Why does the world have to be
A scary place?
What is so seductive about being
Untrustworthy
So that one can take the
Advantage?
I despise living in this world.
I wish I had been born in
A happier time.
What is so exhilirating about
Death
Destruction
Affairs
Sex
Rape
Murder
Deception...
What has happened to
The people of this world...
Where did we go
Wrong?
And how?

Life Happens

Life happens,
so what?
Life's too short to be angry.
Learn
Do what must be done.
It may not be great,
But an unpopular decision
Is better
In the long run.
Why are so many depressed?
There are too many ways
To make one depressed
In this
Wicked world.
It is now harder than ever to
Combat it.
I know it is easier said
Than done,
But we know what is
Right
And what we need to do to
Change.
The world just makes
It too difficult.
Our idle wicked ways
Are quickly
Destroying
Our world and causing severe
Confusion.
Who cares what is popular?
If the idols of our world
Made it popular to
Jump off cliffs...
Would you do it?

Long Time

Wow, it's been quite a while since I've updated my blog... A lot has happened this past year and a half, and I want to forget it all, but the memories keep coming back. I'm a fool... a blasted, horrid fool. And I keep wanting to think that things are getting better, that they'll change. Some good stuff has happened this summer, but before that... I want to forget. I want to change. But it feels like... I don't know. Maybe I'm not determined enough. Maybe I'm so set in my ways that I can't change. Oh please let it not be true. I don't want to go through any more drama like the kind I've had these past couple of years. Every time I think about what I've done I feel dreadful, disgusting... worthless. In all honesty, I should be dead, or at least have seriously messed myself up. What's wrong with me?