Me Again

What's changed?

Nothing.

So why am I blogging?

Couldn't tell you.

.........

Look, I get it!

I know I act like a retard.

I know my mentality is quite unstable.

I don't know how,

when,

where,

or why it happened,

but somewhere,

sometime in my life,

something went extremely wrong,

and I can't figure out what.

So please, you don't offend me by saying

you don't want to be friends.

You offend me with the act.

Stop pretending.

I promise I am not as shallow and stupid as

I seem to be.

Stop indulging me.

It's not funny.

It never was.

Stop telling me, "Oh, hey, lets do something."

and then forget.

Most of this is my fault though.

I should be seeing right through your crap,

but I keep hoping that someone will care.

I also hope that I'll change too... but it's obvious

to see how successful I've been at that.

I know I'm a freak, but what you don't know

is how fucking hard I work to change that.

There is no excuse for my failure.

I'll never be normal.

I will be a freak for the rest of my life,

worse than a loser.

I wish I could crawl into a hole and never,

ever, come out.

My very existence is an embarrassment.

So fuck off.

Oh... Hey...

Do I hate being me? Why yes, yes I do. So why am I still here? Excellent freaking question. Ever made a promise you don't intend to keep? Of course. Why would I promise anyone that I wouldn't try and kill myself ever again? What possessed me to make such a stupid promise? And does anyone I made the promise to remember it? Doubt it. Since junior high, I've constantly been the third wheel, easily forgotten except when no one else is around but me. I feel like I'm still stuck in 2002, still haven't changed, haven't moved forward or back, yet everything and everyone is changing. It's driving me crazy... Heck, I think I'm going crazy. I'm mentally unstable. I'm a coward. I can't deal with people... I can't deal with me, myself, and I. Fuck promises. Fuck the world. God and "His" angels can go burn in Hell. I've decided that Heaven and Hell are practically the same place. They're both run by sexist men that think they know what's best for everyone else and will screw you on sight. I hate men. They are so fucking stupid that if they didn't have a penis they wouldn't know their head from their bloody ass. Hell, some of them still don't. If God is so damn perfect, then why is this world so fucked up? Oh wait... let's blame it on some other man named Lucifer! That makes everything so much better. Ahhh, I'm rambling. No one would remember me if I died. So why can't I do it? Why is it so hard to take a knife to my throat? Why is it so hard to jump off a cliff? Why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut when I overdosed!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? TO HELL WITH IT!!!!!

Think

What causes an
Overreaction...
What is it inside of us
That convinces us to not
Think things through.
I don't understand.
And then the pain comes,
Of the one you misjudged
And who suffered the
Consequences
Of your overreaction...
Why does the world have to be
A scary place?
What is so seductive about being
Untrustworthy
So that one can take the
Advantage?
I despise living in this world.
I wish I had been born in
A happier time.
What is so exhilirating about
Death
Destruction
Affairs
Sex
Rape
Murder
Deception...
What has happened to
The people of this world...
Where did we go
Wrong?
And how?

Life Happens

Life happens,
so what?
Life's too short to be angry.
Learn
Do what must be done.
It may not be great,
But an unpopular decision
Is better
In the long run.
Why are so many depressed?
There are too many ways
To make one depressed
In this
Wicked world.
It is now harder than ever to
Combat it.
I know it is easier said
Than done,
But we know what is
Right
And what we need to do to
Change.
The world just makes
It too difficult.
Our idle wicked ways
Are quickly
Destroying
Our world and causing severe
Confusion.
Who cares what is popular?
If the idols of our world
Made it popular to
Jump off cliffs...
Would you do it?

Long Time

Wow, it's been quite a while since I've updated my blog... A lot has happened this past year and a half, and I want to forget it all, but the memories keep coming back. I'm a fool... a blasted, horrid fool. And I keep wanting to think that things are getting better, that they'll change. Some good stuff has happened this summer, but before that... I want to forget. I want to change. But it feels like... I don't know. Maybe I'm not determined enough. Maybe I'm so set in my ways that I can't change. Oh please let it not be true. I don't want to go through any more drama like the kind I've had these past couple of years. Every time I think about what I've done I feel dreadful, disgusting... worthless. In all honesty, I should be dead, or at least have seriously messed myself up. What's wrong with me?

Question

I don't understand why people don't believe me sometimes. I've been trying to explain things, but I'm just not good at explaining, so people don't believe me then and it's frustrating. Well, recently, I've been just getting so mad because I've been trying to explain something to a family member and this family member just doesn't get it. It's like I'm talking to a brick wall. Last night I told this family member something and they didn't believe me! They just walked into their room and said, "Whatever." I'm getting so ticked! I wanted to punch them in the face!!! I'm really telling the truth, but they don't believe me and it's so freaking gay! They ask me every day, "Can you walk yet?" I really want to say, "Yes, I immediately healed overnight... idiot! No, I can't, I'm sorry!" And then this person tells me, "It's been over a week! I just don't understand why you can't walk yet." I just want to say, "Well then, why don't we switch bodies (or just feet) for a day and let's see how good you walk, let's see how well you can keep your balance, let's see you not cry out in pain with every step, much less cry from the pressure of standing! Let's see you not yelp when you accidentally bump your feet into something or when someone accidentally steps on your feet or whatever! Come on, try it fool!" Unfortunately, I don't have the guts to say that to this family member, and even if I did, they wouldn't believe me anyways, so I'll just have to live with their crap... AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! BEYOND frustrating!

Whatever

So I decided I hate blogging. I never know what to write about because there is nothing to write about. It's not fun at all and no one really reads your posts anyways unless they have really boring lives and nothing to fill their time with besides reading blogs and doing nothing. It's not even important, so why, do you ask, am I blogging? Answer: because I have to for school. Do I enjoy it? NO! Does my blog bore you? Most likely. Hey, it bores me. I guess I'm just a really boring person. What a revelation...