No More

Fine.
If you are content to let her walk all over you
And the rules you set in this house,
Don't expect me to feel sympathy for you.
If you don't even have the guts to say anything,
Then I won't speak up for you anymore.
She's your daughter-in-law.
Speak up for yourself.
If you are going to keep on like this,
Then stop complaining about it.
You're the one who lets her keep on.
And thanks for just throwing me over the edge.
Thanks for not backing me up.
Thanks for looking at me like I'm an alien.
Thanks for ignoring me.
Thanks for making me the outcast.
I love this.
This is what I live for:
Being the outsider.
But hey, I tried speaking up for you.
I told you I would.
You promised you'd back me up.
You didn't.
You looked at me as if I was insane.
I should've known.
And I can't say anything about it to you,
Because then you'll be all pissed off at me.
I even asked her to stop NICELY.
Do you know how hard that was?
I wasn't attacking her.
I was so nice about it.
And now everyone's ignoring me.
I love it.
Now I remember why I hate living.
I'm sick of dealing with people.
I'm sick of myself.
I'm sick of being the
DAMNED FREAK!!!!!!
No, no, I'm not supposed to judge others.
I forget.
I'm the one at fault.
Everything is my fault.
My bad.
You're off the hook.
Whatever.
Besides... I'm the only one that gets insulted constantly every Sunday...
So don't complain to me...

Angels

Stop.
I feel your eyes
Unseen
Watching
Weighing
Measuring
I hear the scratching of your pen
As you record everything
Inside of me
Invading everything
My darkest secrets
The horrors of my soul
Open for the heavens to see
The shame of what I know
To be in that book...
There are no words to
Express my horror, my
Anger
It shames me to the core
Leave me alone
I hate knowing there is
One who supercedes
All
It isn't fair,
It isn't right
I am filled with
Paralyzing horror
Knowing my soul is
Invaded
Every second
Every minute
Every hour
Every day.
I hear you laugh
As you watch me when
I am by myself
Knowing all of me is
Written
I wish the flames to
Consume me
To take the book of my soul
And burn us both
Out of existence.

Shivers

I feel like I am being watched constantly,
and I don't like it.

Fucking Hypocrite

Oh, I get it.

You can swear and call me a

jackass all you want

when you get angry.

If I get angry and call somone

an ass, you tell me to

watch my language.

Well, you fucking worthless

hypocrite,

you can fuck yourself and die

for all I care and I would not

shed one tear.

I would not attend your

funeral.

You have taught me to be an ass.

Your ways are engraved into my bones

because I didn't have any real friends to

teach me differently.

I am cursed by you.

I hate you.

God hates me too for sending me to an

asshole like you.

And then he tells me he sent me here

"to [my] home by the hand of God where

parents love [me] and watch over [my] soul."

You have not cared one bit about me.

Where were you when I grew up?

All you've cared about is golf and cars and

always having to get the new and improved things

in life.

When have you ever cared one shitload for me

or any of my siblings?

My hate for you consumes my soul.

Any time I see myself acting like you,

or doing something you would do,

my loathing for myself and you deepens even further.

I am messed up because of you.

I hate you.

I despise you.

I would rather have never been born,

never have existed,

than have you as a father.

You are a worthless father.

You have even corrupted mother.

She acts just like you.

And everything that happens is my fault.

I can't get angry, but you can.

You are an ass.

I DESPISE YOU!!!!!

You never earned the title father,

because you never were.

And then I'm told I should be grateful to you

for living.

I'D RATHER BE DEAD!!!!

I'm corrupted by you.

I'm sick of trying to change because I always

fail.

I'm sick of feeling like a failure, but I do every day.

Every day I live is a failure.

I can't do anything right.

I never did.

Of course, I can't blame it on you, because we have our

agency,

we make our own

choices,

and sometimes that is true,

but with me and you,

it's bullshit.

You never cared.

You never have.

And I hate you.

Living in this house is like not living at all.

I hate this family.

It is a curse.

I hate you for everything.

I don't know what mom saw in you then

or what she sees in you now,

because I see nothing.

You are worthless.

When will I feel the

icy embrace of

death...

because I will be

embracing it right back.

Me Again

What's changed?

Nothing.

So why am I blogging?

Couldn't tell you.

.........

Look, I get it!

I know I act like a retard.

I know my mentality is quite unstable.

I don't know how,

when,

where,

or why it happened,

but somewhere,

sometime in my life,

something went extremely wrong,

and I can't figure out what.

So please, you don't offend me by saying

you don't want to be friends.

You offend me with the act.

Stop pretending.

I promise I am not as shallow and stupid as

I seem to be.

Stop indulging me.

It's not funny.

It never was.

Stop telling me, "Oh, hey, lets do something."

and then forget.

Most of this is my fault though.

I should be seeing right through your crap,

but I keep hoping that someone will care.

I also hope that I'll change too... but it's obvious

to see how successful I've been at that.

I know I'm a freak, but what you don't know

is how fucking hard I work to change that.

There is no excuse for my failure.

I'll never be normal.

I will be a freak for the rest of my life,

worse than a loser.

I wish I could crawl into a hole and never,

ever, come out.

My very existence is an embarrassment.

So fuck off.

Oh... Hey...

Do I hate being me? Why yes, yes I do. So why am I still here? Excellent freaking question. Ever made a promise you don't intend to keep? Of course. Why would I promise anyone that I wouldn't try and kill myself ever again? What possessed me to make such a stupid promise? And does anyone I made the promise to remember it? Doubt it. Since junior high, I've constantly been the third wheel, easily forgotten except when no one else is around but me. I feel like I'm still stuck in 2002, still haven't changed, haven't moved forward or back, yet everything and everyone is changing. It's driving me crazy... Heck, I think I'm going crazy. I'm mentally unstable. I'm a coward. I can't deal with people... I can't deal with me, myself, and I. Fuck promises. Fuck the world. God and "His" angels can go burn in Hell. I've decided that Heaven and Hell are practically the same place. They're both run by sexist men that think they know what's best for everyone else and will screw you on sight. I hate men. They are so fucking stupid that if they didn't have a penis they wouldn't know their head from their bloody ass. Hell, some of them still don't. If God is so damn perfect, then why is this world so fucked up? Oh wait... let's blame it on some other man named Lucifer! That makes everything so much better. Ahhh, I'm rambling. No one would remember me if I died. So why can't I do it? Why is it so hard to take a knife to my throat? Why is it so hard to jump off a cliff? Why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut when I overdosed!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? TO HELL WITH IT!!!!!

Think

What causes an
Overreaction...
What is it inside of us
That convinces us to not
Think things through.
I don't understand.
And then the pain comes,
Of the one you misjudged
And who suffered the
Consequences
Of your overreaction...
Why does the world have to be
A scary place?
What is so seductive about being
Untrustworthy
So that one can take the
Advantage?
I despise living in this world.
I wish I had been born in
A happier time.
What is so exhilirating about
Death
Destruction
Affairs
Sex
Rape
Murder
Deception...
What has happened to
The people of this world...
Where did we go
Wrong?
And how?