Fucking Hypocrite

Oh, I get it.

You can swear and call me a

jackass all you want

when you get angry.

If I get angry and call somone

an ass, you tell me to

watch my language.

Well, you fucking worthless

hypocrite,

you can fuck yourself and die

for all I care and I would not

shed one tear.

I would not attend your

funeral.

You have taught me to be an ass.

Your ways are engraved into my bones

because I didn't have any real friends to

teach me differently.

I am cursed by you.

I hate you.

God hates me too for sending me to an

asshole like you.

And then he tells me he sent me here

"to [my] home by the hand of God where

parents love [me] and watch over [my] soul."

You have not cared one bit about me.

Where were you when I grew up?

All you've cared about is golf and cars and

always having to get the new and improved things

in life.

When have you ever cared one shitload for me

or any of my siblings?

My hate for you consumes my soul.

Any time I see myself acting like you,

or doing something you would do,

my loathing for myself and you deepens even further.

I am messed up because of you.

I hate you.

I despise you.

I would rather have never been born,

never have existed,

than have you as a father.

You are a worthless father.

You have even corrupted mother.

She acts just like you.

And everything that happens is my fault.

I can't get angry, but you can.

You are an ass.

I DESPISE YOU!!!!!

You never earned the title father,

because you never were.

And then I'm told I should be grateful to you

for living.

I'D RATHER BE DEAD!!!!

I'm corrupted by you.

I'm sick of trying to change because I always

fail.

I'm sick of feeling like a failure, but I do every day.

Every day I live is a failure.

I can't do anything right.

I never did.

Of course, I can't blame it on you, because we have our

agency,

we make our own

choices,

and sometimes that is true,

but with me and you,

it's bullshit.

You never cared.

You never have.

And I hate you.

Living in this house is like not living at all.

I hate this family.

It is a curse.

I hate you for everything.

I don't know what mom saw in you then

or what she sees in you now,

because I see nothing.

You are worthless.

When will I feel the

icy embrace of

death...

because I will be

embracing it right back.

Me Again

What's changed?

Nothing.

So why am I blogging?

Couldn't tell you.

.........

Look, I get it!

I know I act like a retard.

I know my mentality is quite unstable.

I don't know how,

when,

where,

or why it happened,

but somewhere,

sometime in my life,

something went extremely wrong,

and I can't figure out what.

So please, you don't offend me by saying

you don't want to be friends.

You offend me with the act.

Stop pretending.

I promise I am not as shallow and stupid as

I seem to be.

Stop indulging me.

It's not funny.

It never was.

Stop telling me, "Oh, hey, lets do something."

and then forget.

Most of this is my fault though.

I should be seeing right through your crap,

but I keep hoping that someone will care.

I also hope that I'll change too... but it's obvious

to see how successful I've been at that.

I know I'm a freak, but what you don't know

is how fucking hard I work to change that.

There is no excuse for my failure.

I'll never be normal.

I will be a freak for the rest of my life,

worse than a loser.

I wish I could crawl into a hole and never,

ever, come out.

My very existence is an embarrassment.

So fuck off.